Chapter 3: Desperate Non-Housewife

When growing up, my father always needed his quiet time. Both my parents worked. I never knew anything different. I remember my father was always angry from the long drive home from work. There was no need to bet money that he was most likely unhappy with his job, but he kept at it for thirty years - for the family.

My mother is another story. I still do not understand how she did it. She was a caregiver at work as a nurse and then a caregiver to five children and a husband at home. She cooked dinner, drove half way across town to take us to private school and always seemed content and happy. Doing both shifts all the time can wear on your soul, like a masterful slow torture technique evolved beyond contraptions and gadgets. There is a hidden torture device out there and it is the convenience of ourselves.

Our own self talk evolved from the idealistic view of a traditional family - mom at home, dad at work, 2.5 children. That tradition can not maintain for many families in a dipping economy where both parents have to pull in an income and the routine of necessity plays back like a broken record - work to live to live to work. I heard an analogy the other day about "boiling a frog". If you try to put a frog in boiling water, the frog jumps out. If you slowly boil the water, the frog boils out. I do not feel the water boil. Is it me or is it getting hot in here?

A few questions cross my mind now that I have chosen the life of a working mother. How do I beat statistics and stereotype of eventual estrangement from my husband? Are we strong enough to withstand the test of just living the daily grind? What is it about having children that works a wedge between two people who love each other? Is the absence of intimacy a sign of tiredness or loss of interest in the other partner as we soldier on to our priority as parents? Is the reality I have to face now is that quality time is sleeping?

We hear of some men who leave their wives because they could not handle the children or deal with the stress. I dream and question if I am on the brink of this sometimes. Am I allowed to be a "deadbeat" mother? No, I made this choice. I reconcile that there was no class that could of prepared me for the ability to live on no sleep, conduct back-to-back meetings at work and single-handedly bath myself, a couple of children every day, throw some kind of dinner together with nutrition in mind and feel and be a sexy wife when my husband comes home from work? Come on! Look in my eyes, "There is no There There," as I quote Gloria Steinem and remember the time I looked down at my feet at work and saw two different color shoes.

I work a different shift as my husband. This works wonderfully for my children, but does no favors for the marriage. I see him and I miss him. We are too tired after the day is over to have a decent conversation, maybe the only time we have left is to discuss the finances, which is never a tender loving subject. Where is the poetry in that?

Whoever said housewives are desperate, I put forth the argument that working mothers are too and I argue even more so. Do not give me the argument that perhaps "You do not love what you do at work" or "You should try staying home." Any woman who enjoys an ounce of escapism every once in awhile can not make this argument because at the end of the day, all the facets of motherhood encompass all these roles.

How do we maintain our sanity?

Time to reframe - what do I want? How can I make this work and be happy? Recently, I gave myself permission. I asked for help, hired a maid and have a job that allows me to work from home once a week. I recall even my father had my grandmother live in the house awhile to help raise us.

Doing the roles well all the time is no small task and we have to just let it go. Let go the control and let someone else watch the kids, cook the dinner, take over an arduous task at work. When we let it go - do not feel guilty. I give this advice to myself and anyone else who can relate.

I often think if I did not have such a supportive spouse, what kind of woman would I be? Am I now the woman I thought I would be? Although a girlfriend trip to Greece is an ideal escape, a hot tub bath or a small Bavarian chocolate once a day will do. When was the last time you had a "Quiet Mind"?

I can not assume that the lack of daily affirmation is assumed. As humans, I think we need to hear this often, especially women. It is not like you can tell someone you love them once and never need to say it ever again. Perhaps in some other way other than words such as a gesture, a hug, a note, an occasional brush of the hand to say "I miss you" and your loved one will know what you mean.

I may not get that promotion at work as fast as I want and I am still not sure if I am okay with that. When I think of the other career ladder I have at home as a mother, I think I will hold out for that promotion - it pays more in the long run. I hear Oprah in the background, "You can have it all, but not right now." Sigh.

Quiet desperations do not end in adolescence,
Another kind of anxiousness unfolds.
A tired beast manifests
Feeds upon a quaint convenience
An invisible asunder
The enemy is not time,
but indifference.

Chapter 2: Motherhood as a Side Job

Motherhood as a side job does not cut it. A full time career is tough as it is and then coming home to feed and bath children, do homework, discipline - there is just not much left of me to go around. A co-worker of mine the other day said her kids are ten and twelve. She woke up only just recently and actually felt herself for the first time in years.

I get giddy if I get to steal a few minutes away at the local drug store to pick up shampoo by myself. Now if I was single reading this, I would say, "No way, not me - I am not having children! You asked for it, make your bed now sleep in it!" I am not fishing for pity or advice to talk me into running away from my life. I don't know, I just had this realization about my own mother and father in this. So, they are Filipino and guess what, they did walk barefooted to school.

There is the wife dimension here I fail to mention and for good reason. My husband and I miss each other like ships passing in the night, one awake and the other too tired to have a decent conversation. If you have ever seen the movie starring Rutger Hauer and Michell Pfeiffer called Lady Hawk, you know what I am talking about. The movie synopsis is about a couple in love, cursed to be together, by a jealous, corrupt Bishop. As the night approaches, the man becomes a wolf. As the day approaches, the lady becomes a hawk. Neither take human form at the same time, preventing them to truly be together. What do we do? I think we are too tired to argue. Recently we moved closer to our jobs so we could steal even a few minutes of uninterrupted conversation. We try to beat the system with a bit of balance and small gestures to remind each other why we work hard.

In the midst of all the early morning conference calls at work, I am grateful for a surprise cup of Earl Grey that appears next to my lap top as he runs the children to school and day care. Perhaps he appreciates the occasional hand hold or nice lunch dates where we pretend we have no kids or the ever so popularized "daycations" as my girlfriends call their one night dates Downtown as in-laws open themselves to one night of reluctant grandparenthood.

In any case, I found myself, downing parenthood to the next generation of twenty-something year olds at one of my single girlfriends birthday dinners. My pathetic excuse I served up was I was a bit sarcastic due to being tipsy, my veneer wearing thin from a Mujito, when I eluded to parenthood being anything less than the best thing that has ever happened to me. I only caught myself when one of the youngyuns said "it's not that bad, is it?" I responded with a story about my baby boy hugging his daddy after his first few steps of learning to walk. And saying, if we have another, "so what, our kids are cute and a bit like their daddy, a bit of awesome - a part of me, and I'm not so bad myself - like another mini-us running around."

Looking back, I can only think that our children are basically mirrors of ourselves. I say to myself "I guess I am looking pretty good today," as my reflection stared back at me in the mirror while getting ready for yet another day of work.

Chapter 1: What You Don't Expect When You're Expecting

Young, eager, driven women in Corporate America have a hard time finding a man. These days, men do not have it easy either. Women are more independent and gone are the days where women go to college to get their "MRS degree". One can only be delighted and lucky to find someone who is not intimidated by an ambitious woman.


So, you have a great job - check. You have a great man - check. Now, maybe it is time for a new addition to complete the family Nirvanah vision in your head. Just when you thought you had experienced life before taking the plunge, it is not until you have a child as a working woman in Corporate America that you realize how innocent you truly are.


The story is told again and again. The faces, the company are different, but the event that leads women to the dreaded conversation is the same. Having to tell your boss you are pregnant and will need to either work flexible hours or take some time off is a reluctant conversation that has been all too often been remiss in the many corporate mentoring or coaching sessions to career advancement.

Why is this conversation so hard for so many women? This topic is a weight on the shoulders of employed women who have made the choice to have a child and join the ranks of the "working mother". The reason this conversation eludes the many is because of the variable in the equation - the boss.

Many women have approached their bosses on this topic and here are some ways to have this conversation with positive results:

Manage expectations

If you don't manage your bosses expectations, she could manage them for you. If you are gone for the entitled weeks FMLA allows, this could be six to twelve weeks. During this time, anything can happen. For the best outcome, make sure you manage your bosses expectations clearly. You want to go on maternity leave with a clear understanding of what to expect when you return. Having a plan ahead of time is ideal. For some jobs, working from home can be a realistic option to ease back into the corporate environment. This can be difficult with a baby though, so do not kid yourself.

Keep People Connected

After years of loyalty, you expect a little bit back from your company. You get your entitled FMLA time off, but what you don't expect are the behaviors upon returning to work. I found this out the hard way. People can be resentful if they do not get a play by play update on the progress of you and your child. Send lots of photos and get occasional updates on how the office is doing and inquire about what you expect to be doing when you return.

Tell Them What You Want

My girlfriends joke. They thought that when I had a baby that I would grow soccer mom horns and would never be seen again in a social outing. I would calm their fears by letting them know exactly what I wanted to do when I was able to hang out with them again. The same goes for work. Let them know exactly what you want to be working on upon your return. By staying connected to friends, you can take an environmental scan of the office. By knowing what projects are going on and what people are doing will help you stay connected. While you have been out, think long and hard about what you want to do when you get back. This could be an opportunity to start over from scratch if you did not like what you were doing when you left. Use the time off as a gift to really take an introspective look of yourself and your new life plus a new addition. Some women do not go back to work for awhile by taking an extended leave of absence. Some go back part-time. Whatever you decide, managing your manager's expectations by being very clear with your message of what you want to do and how you can best add value without disrupting the work process and still find creative ways to inject your talent is a win-win.

Know your boss's tolerance

Lastly, learn from my experience. I dove right back into work after both the kids and the result was completely different both times. One boss, resentfully dinged me on my performance because "I wasn't there." Another boss praised my ability to tackle things without missing a beat after my return. Either way, if it was not for my support system of family, a good husband, and updating my status frequently on Facebook, I do not know how I could have pulled it off. The difference between both times was that I had a better gauge on my new boss and knew what I needed him to see. I managed the boss the second time around very well because I knew his temperament and managed the visibility of my work even if I worked two days a week from home.

If you have tips on how to help other women manage returning to work, post a comment on this blog. It is a topic to not take lightly. Returning to work is like returning from a military tour back into civilian life. You may not have to change any diapers, but you might get spit on if not careful.